


and the air is sugar-free

by mechuri



Series: i cave in i gave in [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - 1990s, Coming Out, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Genderswap, Internalized Homophobia, Mutual Pining, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-05 01:56:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17315909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mechuri/pseuds/mechuri
Summary: jaeeun looks back over at minkyung. she seems to have given up on getting dahye’s help and is instead practicing in the mirror, doing the same move over and over again until she seems satisfied. minkyung is wearing a tight sports bra and baggy sweatpants that her legs seem to be drowning in, and jaeeun is finding it really, really hard to look away for reasons she can’t quite work out.





	and the air is sugar-free

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so so so SO much to emily for talking about this with me since the beginning (and doing all of my research for me... you're too good) and sam for betaing and being so helpful and encouraging!!
> 
> context: set in koreatown, LA, in around 1994.
> 
> title from 'magic america' by blur.

jaeeun likes the way minkyung’s arms look in the sleeveless top she’s wearing. it’s got big, jagged holes, cut in by jaeeun more than a few years ago, and she knows it would be too tight on her now but it swallows minkyung up, making her arms and legs look even skinnier than they are in comparison.

it’s a light grey colour, and is soft to the touch from years of wear to dance practices and sleep, and jaeeun itches to get closer, to pull off the stupid shirt and take in everything minkyung wants to give her.

to her right, taeyoung is wearing a similar outfit, and her arms are objectively very nice. taeyoung is pretty, and she gets every man in the room swooning with a toss of her hair. jaeeun is a woman, and minkyung’s hair is short and undyed and dripping with sweat, and jaeeun ignores the twisted feeling in her stomach and focuses on how much minkyung glows under the fluorescent lamps.

 

*

 

she closes up shop at six and heads off in the direction of the gym only a few blocks away. jaeeun doesn’t really dance anymore but she still goes to the class most thursdays, if only to beg youngho to buy her a milkshake on their way home.

when she gets there it’s soojung who opens the door. jaeeun smiles, greeting her in korean.

“jae!” youngho shouts at her, not stopping dancing and nearly tripping over his own foot. “what’s up?”

“nothing. same as five hours ago,” jaeeun tells him, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor and watch everyone. they’re all korean here; second generation, growing up knowing each other as though they were cousins, and jaeeun does a double-take when she sees someone unfamiliar on the other side of the room.

dahye is with the girl, telling her to move her arms differently. when she fails to do so, dahye hits her on the shoulder and then runs off, giggling loudly. the girl looks exasperated but still laughs, and jaeeun knows for sure that she’s new because she’s never seen anyone who looks like this before.

“soojung,” she hisses, trying to get the older woman’s attention without making it obvious. “who’s the new kid?”

“minkyung,” soojung says boredly, not looking up from the notebook she’s writing in. “her family came here from canada.”

jaeeun looks back over at minkyung. she seems to have given up on getting dahye’s help and is instead practicing in the mirror, doing the same move over and over again until she seems satisfied. minkyung is wearing a tight sports bra and baggy sweatpants that her legs seem to be drowning in, and jaeeun is finding it really, really hard to look away for reasons she can’t quite work out.

“how old is she?” jaeeun asks soojung, who sighs and rolls her eyes.

“ask her, not me. please.”

jaeeun rolls her eyes right back and says, “fine. i will,” and gets to her feet to walk over to where minkyung has enlisted dahye’s help again.

“hi!” jaeeun starts, smiling and trying to ignore the sudden glare dahye is giving her because, really, when is dahye _not_ annoyed with her. “i’m jaeeun. i haven’t seen you around before.”

dahye might be irritated but minkyung seems far from it, grinning at jaeeun and holding her hand out to shake.

“i just moved here!” minkyung says, and her hand is clammy but jaeeun is inexplicably not disgusted. “from vancouver. nice to meet you!”

 

over milkshakes, jaeeun asks youngho about her.

“she’s cute, right?” is the first thing youngho says, and jaeeun secretly loves the way youngho treats her like she’s one of his guy friends. “her korean is really bad, though.”

jaeeun snorts and gestures at youngho’s entire body.

“wh- oh, come on. i know mine’s terrible. i wasn’t being mean,” he insists, acting offended with wide eyes and a hand over his heart.

“yeah, whatever,” jaehyun says with a loud slurp of her drink. “when did she move here?”

“few weeks ago. you were out with daniel, i think.”

the way youngho says it makes jaeeun blush even though it isn’t like that - daniel is just a _friend_ \- and she quickly interrupts to steer the conversation away to a topic that doesn’t make her feel sick.

 

jaeeun doesn’t miss a dance meet-up for the next month. it’s an hour of her sitting in a noisy, sweaty room after work, and she is there without fail.

minkyung is always there, too. she wears the same sports bra every time - bright red with the nike tick across the front - but she seems to have an endless array of ugly patterned trousers to go with it. they’re all loose-fitting and hideous, and the waistband of her underwear shows when the trousers slip down a little. jaeeun swears she isn’t watching her deliberately; her eyes turn to minkyung without her permission.

after the first time, jaeeun has only spoken to her once or twice more. when they’re dancing jaeeun has no reason to interrupt, and when they finish up minkyung leaves almost immediately, bowing as she exits before her sweat has even dried.

and jaeeun finds out that minkyung is 19, and speaks in stilted korean with a slight canadian accent, and jaeeun can’t quite keep her off her mind.

it’s because of this that jaeeun thinks she’s hallucinating when she puts her groceries down and looks up to see minkyung. she shakes her head, but - it really is her. her hair isn’t tied up the way it always is when she dances and she’s wearing glasses, these wire frames that make her face look even smaller and her eyes bigger.

“minkyung?” jaeeun asks, and minkyung looks up from where she had been scanning a bag of crisps and turns bright red.

“oh, my god,” jaeeun hears minkyung say under her breath, then, “hi, jaeeun! sorry, i didn’t realise it was you.”

“that’s okay. uh. you work here?” jaeeun says, kicking herself the second it leaves her mouth because minkyung wouldn’t be stood in front of her scanning her groceries by choice.

minkyung is clearly an angel, though, and she answers as if it was a valid question, “yeah, i do!” and then asks, “are you making kimchi?”

“trying to,” jaeeun says, looking at the slightly sad substitutes she’s found for some of the ingredients.

“you should bring some to dance if it works!” minkyung says, and her enthusiasm is stupidly contagious.

“if,” jaeeun stresses.

the laugh minkyung breaks out into makes jaeeun feel like, suddenly, her body might be floating just an inch or two off the ground.

“i’ll see you ‘round,” jaeeun says as she walks off. minkyung smiles, and raises one of her hands to wave jerkily even though there’s another customer waiting in line.

 

two days later, thursday, jaeeun catches minkyung just before she leaves and asks, “are you going to work?”

the skin of minkyung’s forearm is warm and jaeeun holds on for a second too long.

“my shift starts at eight,” minkyung says, breathless.

“can i walk you?”

the store minkyung works in is american, and she and jaeeun share hushed giggles as minkyung struggles into her uniform in the ladies’ toilets. her elbow bangs into the cubicle wall: jaeeun almost falls over laughing, her palm pressed against her mouth to keep quiet.

when she emerges, jaeeun’s laugh dies to an embarrassing wheeze in her throat. it’s not that minkyung looks good. she looks _awkward_ , so different to only five minutes ago.

gone are the bra and neon sweatpants - the converse have stayed - to be replaced by a navy pinafore dress that ends just above minkyung’s knees and a striped button up shirt underneath it. her hair is down and messy, and she pulls her glasses out to put on while looking in the mirror, pushing her fringe into place.

minkyung’s nails are painted all different colours, and they’re short and bitten but not yet chipped. jaeeun wants to hold her hand.

“when do you finish?” jaeeun says with a dry mouth.

“um, midnight,” minkyung sighs, folding up her other clothes to fit into her bag.

“wait, what?” jaeeun blurts out. “how far away do you live? it’s not safe.”

snorting, minkyung says, “it’s okay. my brother comes to meet me, sometimes. and it’s not a long walk.”

jaeeun doesn’t know why, but she doesn’t believe minkyung.

“you can come to mine, if you want,” jaeeun offers. “i’m in wilton. it’s just around the corner.”

“really? your parents won’t mind?” minkyung says, giving up on packing her things in favour of staring at jaeeun.

“nah, it’s just me and youngho.”

“i- yes, please, then. but i’ll be done at about one, and i don’t want to wake you up-” minkyung rambles, ducking her head not before jaeeun catches sight of a relieved smile.

“we’ll be up,” jaeeun interrupts. “it’s fine. just knock. or i can meet you here, if you’d like.”

minkyung refuses that offer adamantly, saying it’s more than enough already, and when she rushes off to make it in time for her shift jaeeun is left standing in the bathroom feeling equal parts giddy and guilty.

 

“john?” she shouts as she unlocks the door - unnecessarily, since youngho is sitting right there on the couch - and proceeds to flop down on top of him.

“what’s up, baby?” he says, pouting down at her in sympathy and putting his magazine to the side. jaeeun is endlessly grateful for him.

“i think i…” she takes a deep breath, and exhales heavily against youngho’s stomach. “i don’t know. nevermind. minkyung is coming here later.”

“okay,” youngho says, then, “is she alright?”

“she works late and i didn’t want her to walk home alone,” jaeeun explains, wondering if youngho can even hear her while her face is surrounded by the fabric of his favourite knitted jumper.

“okay,” he says again.

“can we watch a film, please?” jaeeun asks.

 

they watch wayne’s world and then lion king, and jaeeun cries excessively. when there’s a knock at the door she kicks youngho into getting it because the tear tracks on her face are ridiculous, and she swipes at them frantically with the sleeves of her sweatshirt.

still curled up on the sofa, jaeeun watches youngho let minkyung in. she’s still in her uniform but she looks about ten times more tired than she did before, and when she crouches down to take her shoes off she almost topples over.

youngho steadies her when she stands back up and suggests she take a shower before sleeping, leading her towards the bathroom without waiting for her answer as though he knew she would refuse.

“- and jaeeun will grab something for you to wear, won’t you?” echoes out from the hallway, followed by minkyung’s quiet giggling.

the shirt jaeeun gives minkyung is too big even on jaeeun, and so it doesn’t surprise her when minkyung comes back out into the room after her shower in what might as well be a nightdress. it does make her mind go a little blank, though, and she almost misses minkyung asking, “what band is this?”

“the breeders,” jaeeun answers only a second late. “you don’t know them?”

“i’ve heard of them,” minkyung defends, coming over to sit next to jaeeun, cross-legged. her hair is lazily towel-dried, the water making it more dark brown than copper, and jaeeun loses her train of thought at the sight of minkyung’s bare legs. a pair of plaid boxers peeks out past the hem of her borrowed shirt.

“whose are those?” jaeeun squeaks. if they’re youngho’s, she’ll kill him.

“oh, they’re mine!” minkyung says, though, and she sounds horribly embarrassed. “i’m really sorry.”

minkyung tugs the shirt down further to cover them up, and her face is entirely red, and jaeeun doesn’t understand the feeling in her chest, nor her sudden homicidal urges, so she apologises profusely and tries to reassure minkyung that she did nothing wrong, and then runs away.

“you can sleep on the couch if that’s okay?” jaeeun says, a pathetic attempt at hospitality being the only cover up for her panic that she can think of. “me and youngho are just there, and you know where the bathroom is. uh. i’ll see you in the morning!”

“okay,” minkyung says, and if she seems quieter than before jaeeun puts that down to tiredness. “goodnight, jaeeun.”

youngho is already in bed and he shuffles over without a word when jaeeun comes in, holding his arms out for her and patting her head automatically.

“i’m opening up tomorrow,” jaeeun says, yawning in the middle of a word.

“mm, i know. i’ll make coffee.”

“you are the _best_ ,” jaeeun tells youngho.

the last thing she hears before passing out is his smug little, “i know.”

 

*

 

waking up to an unfamiliar pair of hands poking at your shoulders and a voice cooing, “minkyungie! wake up,” is disconcerting to say the least, and minkyung only relaxes when she opens her eyes and squints up to see johnny leaning over her.

“good morning,” she croaks out, because even when startled her manners won’t leave her. her hand scrambles around on the floor beside the couch to find her glasses, and she slips them on just in time to see jaeeun walk into the room.

jaeeun is dressed, wearing the same jeans she always wears and a corduroy jacket that looks closer to johnny’s size than her own. minkyung watches, and subsequently gets butterflies in her stomach, as jaeeun runs her hands through her hair and pulls half of it back into a scrunchie.

minkyung slams her head back onto the couch cushion and hopes it hides how red her ears feel.

 

minkyung leaves half an hour later, insisting that johnny doesn’t need to cook her breakfast and that she can get home fine alone. as much as she says no to the both of them, minkyung appreciates the offers more than she can manage to articulate to people she only met a month ago.

as she walks, dressed in her trousers from dance and jaeeun’s big t-shirt because jaeeun would not let minkyung give it back yet, she tries and fails to stop thinking about jaeeun.

an image, sudden and unbidden, appears in her mind of jaeeun leaning down, of her hair hanging like a curtain around the both of them as she kisses minkyung.

minkyung trips over a crack in the pavement and blushes for the rest of the day.

 

really, she had thought it would be a one-off thing. she can’t imagine jaeeun - who is cool, and works in a record store, and knows about music, and has johnny - wanting to interact with her - very not cool, and works in a grocery store, and doesn’t know anything or anyone anymore.

she has resigned herself to only ever seeing jaeeun again at dance, has attempted to push the thought of jaeeun at 2am looking stupidly, painfully domestic from her mind, and she thinks she’s done a good job of it until jaeeun enters the practice room one week later and minkyung reddens almost instinctively.

“what are you distracted by?” dahye gripes, smacking minkyung on the back of the head because she is a terrible dongsaeng with no respect.

“it’s nothing,” is minkyung’s too-fast defense.

it takes one look at dahye’s face in the mirror to know she doesn’t believe minkyung. she takes mercy on minkyung, though: her usually booming voice is closer to a normal person’s inside volume when she asks, “were you creeping on jaeeun?”

the burning shame that rises in minkyung almost makes her eyes water.

“i’m not creeping!” she snaps, making dahye jump. minkyung never truly gets annoyed with dahye no matter what, and dahye scrutinises her for a moment with a serious expression that really doesn’t suit her.

and then she tuts, and her face goes back to normal, and she says, “fine. but it was jaeeun, right?”

“... no.”

 

when the time is up, minkyung is sweaty and kind of gross and is about to leave like she always does, except jaeeun is standing in front of her and out of the corner of her eye minkyung spots dahye, wiggling her eyebrows in their direction so ferociously that they seem at risk of falling off.

so much for subtlety.

“hi,” minkyung says, grateful that her lack of breath can be blamed on dance.

“hey,” jaeeun smiles. her hand hovers in the space between them as though she were about to touch minkyung. “do you- do you have my shirt?”

“oh, uh, no. i washed it, but it wasn’t dry yet. i’m really sorry.”

“that’s okay!” jaeeun says, seeming entirely unbothered and skipping past it without a hitch. “do you have work tonight?”

“nope,” minkyung answers, wondering why on earth jaeeun is chatting to her (and, also, still trying to ignore dahye staring at them).

“do you want to come over? we were going to try making kimchi.”

minkyung is so caught off guard that she’s nodding before she can even think about the consequences, and then jaeeun is grinning and finally taking hold of minkyung’s wrist and all minkyung can do is wave back at dahye, who now looks very surprised, and hope that this won’t be the death of her.

 

of course, it is. jaeeun and johnny chat away while they walk, including minkyung in every conversation even though she barely knows what they’re talking about. at no point is she left out or walking behind them.

when they get home, jaeeun goes straight to their tiny kitchen to drag out everything they need.

“youngho is in charge of blowing up the pool,” jaeeun says to minkyung without a trace of humour in her voice, and minkyung breaks into a fit of giggles when she sees johnny come back from their room with a children’s paddling pool in his hands. “and you’re my assistant.”

it takes all of ten minutes for jaeeun to realise minkyung is really, really bad at cooking.

“what- how are you _mixing_ wrong?!”

she’d be hurt if she didn’t know it herself, and every harsh word from jaeeun’s mouth is accompanied by a disbelieving smile and a hand showing minkyung how to do it properly, so she can’t complain.

it’s dark outside by this time, and the kitchen light is a little weak so there’s a lamp on, too, dragged in from the bedroom and sat on the floor to help them see. minkyung’s gloves are, in comparison to jaeeun’s, mostly clean. jaeeun’s are coated red, some splatters even reaching past the gloves and up her arms. she hadn’t changed out of her shirt for this, saying it didn’t matter if it got dirty, but she had pulled her jeans off right before they started. she had said it would be uncomfortable to sit on the floor with them on. minkyung had tried desperately to avert her eyes, and even now keeps catching herself watching jaeeun subconsciously. a section of hair from the front of her head falls out of the scrunchie, and jaeeun huffs and says, “help me, john.”

johnny hadn’t been doing anything and had already taken his gloves off, so he jumps up without hesitation and kneels behind jaeeun to tie her hair up again for her. minkyung wants to ask him if jaeeun’s hair is as soft as it looks.

if she had thought last week was domestic, this week blows it out of the water. they pack the kimchi into containers, and jaeeun washes up everything they had used. minkyung sits on the floor and watches, feeling useless but not bad about it because there’s something about this moment - about the soft-harsh light, the sound of running water, the hum of the record johnny had put on in the next room; the way jaeeun sways about on her feet while she cleans, the stretch of her bare skin between the bottom hem of her shirt and the elastic tops of her mismatched socks - that makes minkyung feel safer than she ever has before.

“you’re staying over, right, minkyung?” johnny asks as he walks back into the kitchen.

she’s not good at accepting things from people, especially people she hasn’t known for a long time, but minkyung can hear blur playing and johnny is asking like he had just assumed she would be (why, she doesn’t know, but it makes her smile), so she says yes.

while jaeeun had changed out of her jeans, minkyung hadn’t, and she’s sure she’s gotten chilli paste on her favourite orange sweatpants but it’s hard to care when she’s sitting in no more than a bra in front of two people and she’s comfortable. johnny is wearing a pair of pyjama shorts that are far too short to be considered very decent, and jaeeun is still entirely pantsless, and no one comments on it.

“right!” jaeeun says, yanking the dish gloves off and speaking in korean. “we’re watching a movie now.”

minkyung and johnny sit on the sofa and minkyung has squashed right up to the arm to leave jaeeun plenty of space to sit, except she walks in and settles down on the floor between johnny’s legs with a cushion. she crosses her legs and minkyung wants to ask why she’s down there, but then johnny produces a hairbrush from out of nowhere and starts pulling the bands out of jaeeun’s hair, brushing the sections once they’re free.

“what do you want to watch?” jaeeun asks, directed at minkyung even though she can’t turn her head, and she’s still speaking in korean so minkyung’s reply comes a second too late.

“um, you pick,” minkyung says, stilted, feeling stupid and resolving to speak the language with her mother more.

neither jaeeun or johnny comment, because of course they don’t and minkyung needn’t have worried. instead, jaeeun smiles crookedly and says, “aladdin, then!”

“no fun,” johnny gripes. his accent sounds like minkyung’s, and it fills her with relief. “come help me, minkyungie.”

“with- the hair?”

johnny nods and minkyung shuffles over until she’s next to him, and he hands her a hairband and says, “can you teach me how to do french braids?”

as it turns out, minkyung can’t. her own hair is too short to braid in the way johnny wants to learn, and her fingers are clumsy with nerves. she’s scared to pull too hard on jaeeun’s head and it makes the plaits too loose to hold together well at all. she’d have stopped altogether if it weren’t for the fact that jaeeun’s hair is, in fact, as soft as it looks, and she leans into minkyung’s hands and hums quietly when minkyung’s nails brush her scalp, and minkyung is so selfish that she pretends she knows what she’s doing.

 

when they go to bed minkyung curls into the couch, still warm from their bodies before, and thinks about how johnny and jaeeun are dating. they sleep in the same bed, minkyung had realised as she went to the bathroom and caught sight of one double in the single bedroom. johnny is tall and dorky and funny, and jaeeun is beautiful and smart and kind, and they live together and work together and sleep together.

she hasn’t known jaeeun for a long time, but she has to wrap her arms around herself to keep from shaking.

minkyung envies them. it feels ugly and she wishes she didn’t. it’s not because she wants jaeeun, either. it’s just that it must be so easy for them. how unlikely it is that jaeeun has ever stayed up late, the way minkyung is now, stomach aching with thoughts of a woman.

 

*

 

youngho has been going out without jaeeun more often these days, and it’s not like she’s annoyed, but she is curious. he misses one dance class, then another. he leaves right after his shift and doesn’t hang around to talk to jaeeun. jaeeun hears him pick up the phone with a quiet voice, and he averts his eyes when she tries to meet his.

she doesn’t ask until he comes home late; late enough that he kicks his shoes and jeans off in the dark and wakes her up when he slips into the bed beside her. jaeeun blinks at him, takes in his messy hair and posture stiff with fear, and says, “are you okay?”

maybe youngho was expecting another question, because he exhales at the sound of jaeeun’s voice and lets his head fall onto his pillow.

“i’m okay.”

he doesn’t say anything else. jaeeun hates to pry, but it feels like he wants her to.

“is there something you want to tell me?” is what she asks, and it feels so accusatory. she doesn’t mean it that way, and hopes he can tell.

“yeah,” youngho says. “but i don’t want you to hate me.”

“well, that’s stupid. as if i’d ever hate you,” jaeeun tries to joke but her voice cracks a little.

youngho rolls over to face her, and says, “you remember taeil, right?”

taeil had been one of their group of friends when they were children. jaeeun knew him well. she hasn’t spoken to him in years, not since he went to college and moved just a bit too far away for a fifteen year old jaeeun to keep up with him.

“yes. why? have you been talking?”

“yeah, for a few weeks,” youngho says, seeming more nervous by the second. he fiddles with the cuffs of his sweater.

it’s not like taeil ever misbehaved. he was funny, always quick to laugh at himself, and naturally kind, and yet jaeeun worries for a second that maybe he’s lead youngho into something dangerous.

“is- did something bad happen?” she asks, mind flashing with possibilities. they’re all far-fetched, all so unlikely, but youngho is still staring at his hands and picking at a loose thread and jaeeun is scared.

“not really?” youngho says like it’s a question. “no. it’s just that i like him.”

the words hang in the air because jaeeun doesn’t really know what to make of them. why would youngho want to tell her that he’s still friends with taeil? why is it making him act like this?

“i don’t understand,” jaeeun tells him, frowning.

“jae, i like him,” youngho repeats, and the words are the same but this time they fall down and smack jaeeun in the face.

she breathes out suddenly, a little “oh”, and now it’s her who won’t look johnny in the eye.

“what does that mean?” jaeeun asks like she’s a child, and she feels like one.

youngho might have been expecting immediate disgust, because he takes a second before saying in one breath, “i want to- to date him. i like him. he kissed me.”

they’re both staring at the ceiling, now. youngho seems shocked at his own admission, at the way it had tumbled out without his permission. jaeeun would have to be deaf to have not heard his excitement when he’d said it.

“so you like men,” jaeeun says, quietly for fear of a neighbour overhearing through the walls.

the desperation with which youngho says yes makes jaeeun flinch.

“and you think i’ll hate you for it?”

this time, it makes her tear up.

jaeeun sits up so that she can look at youngho - still lying down, hands curled up into fists, bottom lip trapped between his teeth - and says, “ _youngho_. i could never hate you.”

she makes a kind of awful sobbing sound as she inhales and finally, finally, he looks at her.

“are you sure?” youngho asks, and as soon as he sits up jaeeun tackles him back down and smacks his shoulder as hard as she can while crying.

it takes them both a long time to calm down, and jaeeun is almost asleep when youngho murmurs, “why are you so upset?”

it doesn’t sound like a question he expects her to answer. it sounds like he’s wondering aloud, like maybe he doesn’t even know jaeeun is still awake.

jaeeun’s mind flickers to minkyung on fast forward and pauses. jaeeun thinks minkyung is beautiful. jaeeun wants (and she wants so badly) to hold minkyung’s hand. she knew this before, of course, except now there’s a voice in her head screaming it.

she shifts off youngho’s chest and tucks her head into the duvet and cries until she falls asleep.

 

over cereal in the morning they talk about it. no longer afraid of jaeeun’s reaction, youngho tells her about taeil without restraint. he talks enough that his food gets soggy, and jaeeun lets herself ask only one of the questions that she needs an answer to.

“how did you know? how do you know?” she says. to her own ears, she sounds transparent.

“i know a lot of people say they knew since they were kids,” youngho says, never one to give a vague answer. “but i don’t think i did.”

jaeeun immediately thinks of all of the girls of her childhood, all of the times she has looked at soojung and wanted to be her, and wonders what it might have really meant.

“with taeil, i just realised,” youngho continues. “it wasn’t like with taeyoung. i think about him all the time. when he kissed me i wanted it so much.”

he sounds almost reverential.

jaeeun’s questions have doubled, tripled with his response, though she has no intention of asking them. not now, at least. she can’t take this from youngho so soon - instead, she hugs him tight and tells him to invite taeil over.

 

_(you’re gay, then? but you can’t get married. isn’t that what gives people AIDS? how could you not like women? can women be gay, too? isn’t it dirty? isn’t it hard? aren’t you sad? if i want to touch a woman, am i gay? if i want to touch minkyung, am i- is that what this means- can’t i just ignore it? do i have to? don’t i get a fucking choice?)_

 

they skip dance and go straight home the next thursday. doyeon gets there at six, and taeil at seven. it would have been more awkward than it is if taeil weren’t so sweet and youngho so earnest. really, jaeeun had wanted to invite dahye - who could be better at breaking the ice? - but doyeon was the only other person youngho had told.

jaeeun knows taeil. she has known taeil for a very long time. when she opens the door for him, jaeeun realises that she is being stupid.

taeil looks normal. almost excessively normal, actually. he’s a little shorter than jaeeun, and he has the same haircut he had three years ago. his sweater is too big, and his face when he sees youngho is all it takes to destroy jaeeun’s apprehension.

somehow, in her head taeil was this ominous figure who had lured youngho in and tricked him. in reality, taeil is a man who really, really likes youngho. there’s no way he’s hiding bad intentions behind that smile.

jaeeun squeezes her eyes shut, breathes out, and opens them again.

“okay!” she says, closing the door behind taeil and going back to where she had left doyeon in the kitchen. “who wants kimchi?”

drinking while cooking is one of jaeeun’s favourite things, and doyeon seems to agree. thanks to this, they’re both tipsy within the hour. jaeeun giggles into her phone as she picks it up, holding a finger up to her lips to get youngho and taeil to quieten down.

“hello, jaeeun speaking,” she says, and sticks her tongue out at doyeon when she snickers at her switching to english.

“um, hey. it’s minkyung,” comes a small voice. jaeeun stops smiling.

“minkyung? what’s wrong? do you want me to come and pick you up?” jaeeun asks, because minkyung has never phoned before and it’s dark out.

except, “no, no!” minkyung rushes to reassure. “i’m fine! it’s just that johnny wasn’t here again tonight, and i wanted to make sure you’re okay? i’m really sorry, you’re probably busy-”

alcohol lets jaeeun think what’s always hidden: minkyung is adorable.

“that’s okay,” jaeeun interrupts before minkyung can feel bad. “we’re not busy. we’re just doing dinner. you should come over?”

she says the last part without thinking and looks to youngho to make sure he’s okay with it. she regrets it because he’s looking back at her like there’s something he suspects, something he could understand if he just looked a little closer, but he nods in answer to the silent question. jaeeun’s hand shakes.

“are you sure?” minkyung asks. she’ll be in a phonebooth somewhere, probably near the gym still, in her dance clothes with her hair tied up and jaeeun wants to see her so badly.

“yes, please. you should come over.”

“okay.”

jaeeun has to wonder if minkyung suspects the same way youngho does.

 

taeil is shorter than minkyung, and he likes her right away. doyeon likes her, too - jaeeun can tell - but she doesn’t show it so clearly. doyeon offers minkyung a drink and shrugs when minkyung tells her she’s underage and taeil convinces minkyung to sit between him and youngho on the sofa and jaeeun only feels normal again when minkyung pulls on the shirt jaeeun had grabbed for her.

it’s a button-up this time, and minkyung smiles and thanks jaeeun profusely and then gets distracted and doesn’t button it up. jaeeun isn’t complaining: she may have given it to minkyung to cover up all that skin, but with more than a few drinks in her jaeeun forgets to be annoyed.

youngho puts on a record and they talk and drink and it feels both like they’re adults and children simultaneously. as much as she tries, jaeeun can’t keep her attention away from minkyung. the conversation drifts to the back of her mind and she finds herself instead replaying her conversations with youngho while looking at minkyung.

someone makes a joke and minkyung laughs; “i just knew”, youngho had said.

 

*

 

she’s red in the face from a few glasses of wine when doyeon says she’s going, and then johnny says they should all sleep.

“you’re on the sofa, okay?” jaeeun says to her, and minkyung nods. “i’ll grab some blankets. i’m sleeping on the floor in here.”

minkyung’s nodding ceases. “what do you mean?”

jaeeun gets to her feet and stumbles on the edge of the carpet before righting herself, and explains, “taeil and youngho are in the bedroom. there’s no way i’m sleeping in between them.”

it doesn’t seem quite right and minkyung frowns.

only when they’re settled - jaeeun in a pile of cushions on the floor, minkyung curled up on the sofa in yet another borrowed shirt - does minkyung ask, “why is taeil sleeping with johnny?”

she blushes at the implication, and jaeeun snorts.

“they’re together, minkyungie,” jaeeun says with more than a hint of a tease in her voice, though it then turns serious. “you can’t really tell anyone.”

“i won’t. but… together?” minkyung promises before she even understands. “they’re gay?”

it’s not the first time she’s said the word out loud, but it’s the first time in front of another person. her cheeks get hotter. she wants to rewind time and pretend to be ignorant again.

the blankets rustle when jaeeun nods her head.

“i thought you two were dating?” minkyung blurts out, because wine destroys any filter she might have had and she’s wanted to ask this since she met them.

“me and youngho?” jaeeun giggles, twisting around so that she’s lying on her side and looking up at minkyung. “no way. never.”

“because he’s- because he’s gay or because you don’t want to?”

“both, i guess,” jaeeun says, still laughing quietly.

“oh. alright,” minkyung shifts onto her back and stares at the ceiling. “good.”

eye contact had been too much for a conversation like this, but minkyung can still feel jaeeun’s eyes on her.

“why good?” jaeeun asks after a second.

minkyung has let it slip out accidentally and now scrambles to think of a reason that won’t sound weird.

“i mean, it- it would suck if you liked him,” she stutters, looking over and losing her train of thought at the sight of jaeeun biting her lip to hold down a smile.

“who would it suck for?”

jaeeun says the words in a whisper and she sounds breathless (but minkyung is imagining that, surely), and maybe minkyung is a coward but it’s easier to pretend to be asleep than to honestly answer that question.

 

“jaeeun sleeps forever when she drinks,” johnny says when minkyung joins him and taeil in the kitchen just before midday.

taeil is wearing johnny’s clothes and drinking from a mug that says ‘world’s best grandpa’. he’s rolled the trousers up at least three times. johnny has hearts in his eyes when he looks at taeil, and minkyung hopes taeil can see them, too.

“i’m a lesbian,” minkyung says, and watches as johnny’s eyes widen.

taeil doesn’t outwardly react. he takes a sip of his coffee, and says, “i know.”

dizzy with adrenaline, minkyung slides down the wall to sit on the floor.

“how do you know? you met her yesterday!” johnny is saying, looking annoyed while taeil just looks amused.

“i can tell,” taeil says with his eyebrows raised.

“is it that obvious?” minkyung asks. he’s so casual about it that she manages to suppress her panic, but only just.

“not to everyone,” taeil tells her reassuringly. “i’m just good at it.”

“ah. okay.”

“would you like some food?” johnny asks her, and when she meets his eyes he looks concerned.

“no, thank you,” minkyung says, and tucks her knees under her chin and breathes slowly. she feels sick despite them both being normal about it. she hopes she doesn’t actually throw up. that would be embarrassing.

saying no was partially due to nausea and a lot due to not wanting to make anyone do anything for her. minkyung only met taeil yesterday, but when he crouches down next to her on the linoleum and passes her a glass of water it feels like he can see right through her.

“are we the first people you’ve come out to?” taeil asks after sitting down cross-legged beside minkyung.

the phrasing makes everything sound so real. minkyung might have accepted this long ago but it’s one thing to know it and another to hear it.

“yes,” she says, throat dry even with the drink. “dahye knows but i didn’t tell her.”

“that kid’s too nosy for her own good,” johnny snorts.

“she kept painting my nails rainbow,” minkyung says, holding up a hand to show them both. “and then she told me to stop-”

they’ve treated her like she’s normal, they’ve treated her like a friend, and minkyung knows they won’t think she’s a freak for this but her voice still catches in her throat before she manages to force it out.

“-to stop looking at jaeeun so much.”

her eyes water.

there’s silence until johnny says, “oh, minkyung,” heavy with pity and something else that minkyung can’t identify.

she wants to say something about how she knows jaeeun is straight and knows nothing will ever happen and knows not to get her hopes up, but-

but jaeeun gives minkyung these looks, sometimes, and minkyung catches them in her peripheral vision, and she doesn’t want to read into something as insubstantial as that but it doesn’t feel like nothing.

it’s too much to say with jaeeun only one room away, so minkyung says, “i know.”

taeil gives her another one of those looks, the one that minkyung is sure could see through any lie or posturing she could try, and says, “i’m gonna give you my number. you should call me sometime.”

“he’s adopting you,” johnny stage-whispers, and they’re still fighting about it when jaeeun stumbles awake to join them.

jaeeun asks what’s happening while she grabs a bowl, and doesn’t laugh when johnny tells her that he and taeil are minkyung’s gay dads, and it’s then that minkyung remembers she hadn’t exactly expressed that she’s okay with them being together last night to jaeeun.

the facial expression jaeeun is maintaining seems to suggest that if minkyung were to have a problem with it, jaeeun would never let her back into their home. it’s reassuring, if a little frightening.

coming out once was bad enough. minkyung isn’t doing it again today, and especially not to jaeeun. she settles for a smile, and calls taeil her father, and watches jaeeun’s posture relax.

“are you working today?” jaeeun asks when johnny and taeil leave the kitchen. her feet swing back and forth where she’s sat on the counter and she isn’t wearing pants again.

frowning, minkyung says, “yeah. why did you have to remind me?”

“maybe i’ll come and visit you.”

 

she doesn’t. minkyung tries not to be disappointed over a throwaway non-promise, and is sure that jaeeun has better things to do, but she can’t stop herself from looking up at everyone who walks past her.

on saturday, dahye meets minkyung at the arcade and minkyung spends more than she had wanted to on dahye’s effort to get to the top of the leaderboard.

on sunday, minkyung goes to work and promptly jumps out of her skin when a hand lands on her shoulder and a voice says, “nice outfit.”

“god, what the fuck,” she whines, pushing jaeeun and regretting it when a jar of pasta sauce wobbles threateningly on the shelf jaeeun had knocked into. “this is what you call a visit?”

it’s barely been two days but minkyung feels like she’s missed jaeeun for far longer.

“sorry, i’ve been busy,” jaeeun says, almost sheepish but smiling too wide for it to work. “but your uniform is so sexy i couldn’t stay away long.”

minkyung has to resist the urge to punch her, trying to ignore the way her stomach twists at hearing those words coming from jaeeun, even if they are a joke.

“get a job so i can laugh at you, too,” minkyung complains and crouches down to keep restocking. she’s pretending to be focused on the labels she’s putting on, is actually thinking about what jaeeun’s voice sounds like when she’s being so playfully teasing, and jumps for the second time when jaeeun’s reaches out to pull the back of minkyung’s stupid pinafore dress down.

“i have a job,” jaeeun retorts, and minkyung has no idea how she can sound so normal when her knuckles were brushing against the back of minkyung’s thighs less than a second ago.

“one with a uniform.”

“what’s wrong with this?” jaeeun asks and gestures at herself, her big jacket and her ripped jeans and her docs with mismatching laces.

secretly, minkyung agrees. outwardly, though, she grumbles, “how are you allowed to go to work like that?” and turns her eyes back to the shelves.

“when do you finish tonight?” jaeeun asks, then, after a few moments of silence.

“um, half an hour,” minkyung says after checking her watch. “but i can’t hang out - my mom’s doing dinner.”

“that’s okay! i’ll walk you home,” jaeeun says with a smile, and brushes off all of minkyung’s protests.

 

“you’re too good at convincing me,” is what minkyung says to jaeeun when she exits the store and sees jaeeun leaning against the wall.

she hadn’t bothered to bring a change of clothes, knowing she would only be going home after work, and she feels self-conscious in the dress she hates so much while out in public.

it’s barely a twenty minute walk to minkyung’s house, and jaeeun falls into step beside her easily, asking about her day and her weekend and snorting when minkyung complains about dahye wasting her hard-earned money.

“she didn’t even win,” minkyung gripes. she’d usually feel bad about talking about herself so much, but jaeeun is laughing and looks so pretty under the low light of the lampposts that all minkyung wants to do is keep making her look like that.

“i should come with next time and show you how it’s done,” jaeeun says with a smirk, unfairly attractive.

minkyung stutters out something that sounds nothing like real words, and is thankful that they’re now outside her house and she doesn’t have to come up with an explanation.

“i’ll see you next week-”

interrupted very suddenly, jaeeun turns to stare at the now-open door which minkyung’s mother is leaning out of, shouting, “kyungie! come in! who’s your friend?”

“oh, god,” minkyung says under her breath, mortified. “no one, eomma!”

“‘no one’?” jaeeun can’t help but tease, biting back a grin when minkyung glares exasperatedly at her.

“invite her in, minkyung. have some manners,” minkyung’s mom scolds, and only relents when minkyung sighs helplessly and leads jaeeun over.

 

she feels terrible about leaving jaeeun alone with her mom while she changes, but when she comes back down the stairs - this time in a hoodie and shorts - she sees there was no need to worry. jaeeun is helping to lay the table, and it’s almost a funny sight given what she’s wearing and how minkyung has seen her act the rest of the time.

“- our minkyungie has settled in well,” jaeeun is telling her mom, and minkyung blushes hard at the words and harder at the way jaeeun meets her eyes when she walks back in.

“that’s good to hear,” minkyung’s mom says, putting down plates and bowls of rice and bodily shoving minkyung into her chair when she hesitates about where to sit.

“appa is out,” she tells minkyung. “so it’s lucky you brought your friend over, or all of this food would be wasted.”

“thank you, eomeonim,” jaeeun says, smile putting her dimples on display. if jaeeun keeps this up, minkyung’s mom will want to replace minkyung very soon.

they all help themselves, and in reality it isn’t a lot of food but it’s good, and minkyung might be embarrassed but it makes her heart feel warm that jaeeun is there, eating her mom’s food and existing in minkyung’s house.

“so,” minkyung’s mom starts. minkyung’s sense of peace evaporates. “tell me about jaeeun, minkyung?”

“um- oh, well-”

 _i like her_ , minkyung thinks. _she’s beautiful, and i am a lesbian, and this is a woman who i like. i also, apparently, do not know many facts about her._ she begins to panic.

“my name is jung jaeeun,” jaeeun cuts in smoothly. “i’m twenty one, and i met minkyung at the dance group.”

minkyung watches her mother’s eyes narrow at jaeeun’s age, and then relax when she explains their connection.

“the one you know dahye from?” she asks minkyung.

“i only go to one dance class, mom,” minkyung says, rolling her eyes, and then apologising hurriedly when her mother only stares at her.

she turns her attention back to jaeeun, though, and says, “what do you do, jaeeun? are you still living with your parents?”

minkyung is listening, too, because she had wondered but never asked just why it was that johnny and jaeeun lived alone together.

“ah, no, i’m afraid my parents moved away,” jaeeun says. minkyung wishes she could have told her mother not to ask. “after the riots, they left.”

“and you stayed without them?” minkyung’s mom asks, and jaeeun is too polite for her own good because it seems like she’s actually going to answer despite not having to.

“eomma, you shouldn’t ask things like that,” minkyung cuts in before jaeeun can get a word out.

jaeeun looks thankful, and minkyung’s mom looks surprised.

“i was only-”

“i know, but let’s not… let’s just talk about something else,” minkyung says, and she knows she’ll be in trouble later for speaking over her mother but jaeeun sends her a grateful look and nudges minkyung’s foot under the table and minkyung decides that she’s okay with it.

after dinner minkyung excuses them both with a quick, “i’m going to show jaeeun my room. we won’t be long!” and once the door is shut she apologises quietly.

“it’s okay,” jaeeun reassures her, looking not at minkyung but around her room instead.

in canada, minkyung’s room had been a lot more than this. this room is still a little empty, the walls still too bare, and there’s a box with books in that she hadn’t been able to fit onto the shelves.

“my mom would have asked way worse questions,” jaeeun says. “plus, the food makes up for it.”

she’s smiling and she seems perfectly at ease, so minkyung drops it and instead asks, “are you okay to get home?”

“you’re stealing my lines.”

minkyung blanks, and squeaks, “what?”

“i… it’s nothing,” jaeeun says, with one of her lopsided smiles that shows all of her teeth and never fails to make minkyung think about kissing her. “i should go.”

to minkyung - nervous and unsure and awkward - jaeeun always seems so confident, so self-assured. tonight, she hesitates on minkyung’s doorstep with shaky eyes and shoves her hands into her pockets before she speaks.

“that was nice,” jaeeun says, the words falling out a little too fast. “uh, thank you. and thank your mom for me.”

“yeah, no problem,” minkyung nods. she’s holding the door open and can’t help letting her fingers tap out a rhythm on the wood.

jaeeun makes an aborted movement forwards, and then retreats so quickly she almost trips over the step. her mouth is open like she wants to say something.

minkyung waits.

“uh- i, um… minkyung,” is all jaeeun says, and yet the way she says minkyung’s name makes minkyung’s heart speed up.

she would wait more - she would wait a long time if it meant jaeeun would say her name like that again - but from inside the house her mother calls her name, and jaeeun’s ears are bright red, and she stutters and says, “i’ll see you,” and minkyung is left on the step watching jaeeun walk away with her shoulders hunched and her eyes averted.

 

*

 

a perfect echo of more than two months ago, jaeeun kicks the door closed and lies down on top of youngho, and he puts aside the film he was peering at to push her hair off her face and ask what’s wrong.

he’s even wearing the same sweater as he was that day.

eight weeks on and jaeeun has the words she was missing but not the courage to say them aloud.

 

*

 

“hey,” minkyung says.

jaeeun had watched her come in through the window and hadn’t moved from her chair behind the counter. she raises one hand to wave.

“what’s up?” minkyung asks when jaeeun doesn’t.

still silent, jaeeun smiles wryly and gestures to the almost empty store. there’s a man over in the corner looking at madonna vinyl, and them.

despite being the one to initiate this minkyung has no idea what to say, and she breathes a sigh of relief when jaeeun finally speaks, even if just to say, “aren’t you going to miss dance?”

it sounds like an attempt at avoidance, and it only makes minkyung more determined.

“yeah, maybe,” minkyung answers, smiling through how awkward it feels.

jaeeun looks confused. “don’t you go every week?”

“yes.”

“... would you like to sit?” jaeeun offers, clearly unsure of how to react to minkyung not explaining anything, and she pulls out another stool for minkyung from underneath the counter.

the madonna-man leaves without buying anything. jaeeun and minkyung sit next to each other without saying anything. it lasts for three minutes (minkyung times it on her watch) until jaeeun gives in and asks, “why are you here?”

“i haven’t seen you since sunday, which is kinda normal,” minkyung says, and now that jaeeun has asked the real question minkyung is back to rambling. “so i thought i would just see you today, except i phoned on tuesday after talking to taeil and johnny answered and said you weren’t coming today, so i-”

“you talk to taeil?” jaeeun interrupts. minkyung is glad; she was losing her breath.

“um, yeah, sometimes.”

jaeeun looks incredibly suspicious, but says no more.

“anyway, johnny said you wouldn’t be at the class but that you would be here, and he said i should-”

“ _wait_ ,” jaeeun interrupts again, looking even more suspicious and raising her eyebrows. “youngho told you to come meet me here?”

“yes,” minkyung confirms, putting one of her thumbs up and immediately scolding herself for doing something so uncool.

“and taeil was the one who told you to call youngho?”

“uh-huh,” she manages to answer without any awful gestures this time.

jaeeun stares at minkyung, then swivels in her chair to face the counter again. her face is kind of scrunched up. she does not look happy, which makes minkyung feel all kinds of guilty.

“i like your hair!” minkyung blurts out.

it’s not a lie. jaeeun’s hair is wavy today, and it’s late so it must have been more so earlier in the day but it’s still pretty. she usually has at least part of it tied up but right now minkyung can’t spot any hairbands, only a few butterfly clips holding the layers in the front back. the clips are all different colours, and look as out of place as they ever could combined with jaeeun’s outfit of dark blue jeans and scuffed red docs and her usual dark green jacket.

“thank you,” jaeeun says, and she still doesn’t look happy but she stops frowning. “it’s five to: i’m gonna close up now.”

the polite thing to do would be to leave. minkyung, however, stays seated and watches as jaeeun flips the sign to ‘closed’ and tidies up the racks of vinyl. once she gets to the light switches on the back wall minkyung hops down and sidles over to jaeeun to ask, “are you coming to dance, then?”

her poker face is too good for minkyung to be able to decipher anything.

“yeah, i guess,” jaeeun says, and shrugs off her jacket to pass to minkyung as she leads her out of the shop, grabbing something from behind the counter. “it’s cold out.”

it’s not that bad, really, but minkyung is wearing her usual workout clothes and, besides, it’s not like she’s going to turn down a chance to wear something of jaeeun’s. it’s too big on jaeeun and it’s ridiculous on minkyung, hanging down to mid-thigh, and jaeeun isn’t looking so minkyung tucks her hands up into the sleeves and curls her fingertips into the worn fabric.

“what about you?”

voice muffled as she yanks it over her head, jaeeun says, “youngho left his sweater here earlier. two birds with one stone.”

“why didn’t you give me that and keep your own on?” minkyung asks even as she’s snuggling further into the jacket.

“because if you were wearing youngho’s clothes, he’d flirt with you,” jaeeun says, grimacing and pulling the metal shutters down with a clang.

“wh- but he’s gay!” minkyung can’t help but laugh, and jaeeun is still facing away but minkyung sees her smile, too.

“exactly. even weirder,” jaeeun says, deadpan, heading towards the gym with minkyung falling into step beside her.

maybe the moment has passed. maybe she’s lost her chance. maybe she never had a chance, and it’s all been in her head, and taeil and johnny gave her bad advice and this will be the last straw and jaeeun will never speak to minkyung ever again.

“if i’m wearing your clothes, will you flirt with me?” she doesn’t stutter but she might be mumbling a little bit. nonetheless, jaeeun must have heard her right, because she stops walking and swallows audibly.

one of her butterfly clips had gotten dislodged by johnny’s sweater. minkyung takes the step and reaches up to unpin it, re-gather the hair, and secure it again.

“are you gay?” jaeeun whispers before minkyung’s hand has even left the space between them. they’re standing a lot closer than they ever have.

“are you not?”

jaeeun’s eyes widen incredulously, and she says, “well, i-”

and then deflates, and her voice has none of that defensive tone left in it when she continues, “i don’t know, now.”

“that’s okay,” minkyung says softly. “i mean, not to overwhelm you, but i’m a lesbian.”

when jaeeun doesn’t respond, minkyung keeps going, “and, like, i like you. honestly, i think it was obvious how much i- uh, but i don’t think other people noticed. i hope not, anyway. and i didn’t mean to tell you that right now, actually-”

“hey,” jaeeun says, and minkyung immediately focuses in on how she’s biting down a smile. “i’ve gotta say something, but i just need a minute. okay?”

minkyung nods and freezes and tries to will away how red her face has gotten. it’s hard to, though, when they’re standing on the sidewalk and jaeeun is less than a foot away and she looks like she’s psyching herself up for something. she doesn’t stop looking at minkyung’s face, and minkyung gives up on calming down because there’s no way to not blush.

nervous, minkyung licks her lips. jaeeun does, too.

“i have a crush on you, minkyung.”

it’s exactly sixty seconds after she had asked for a minute. minkyung wonders if jaeeun had counted it in her head.

“oh, my god,” minkyung breathes. “is this real?”

“i was going to tell you the other day, and then i thought you knew so i panicked,” jaeeun admits. she is undoubtedly the most beautiful woman minkyung has ever met.

“can we skip dance?”

“come over, then,” jaeeun says.

 

minkyung has seen films, and read books. she knows what’s implied when a woman goes back to a man’s house in those. she also knows that jaeeun isn’t a man, and that she doesn’t want to do what those people do. not yet, anyway.

she’s read one lesbian book: the price of salt. settled in a corner of a library in vancouver minkyung had hidden the book inside her pulled-up knees and read it in one go.

 _how was it possible to be afraid and in love?_ runs through minkyung’s mind as she sits on the sofa and pulls her knees up the way she had back then.

jaeeun sits at the other end, though with it not being a large sofa there isn’t much of a gap between them anyway.

“you look really cute in my clothes,” jaeeun says suddenly.

clearing her throat, minkyung manages to say back, “have you done this before? with boys?”

it’s been on her mind and she needs to ask before she does something stupid and embarrasses herself.

jaeeun shakes her head. “not really. kind of, once, but it was weird and i didn’t like it.”

she doesn’t return the question and minkyung is glad that she doesn’t have to say aloud that she’s no idea how this works.

“do you want to kiss me?” is what jaeeun asks instead.

“yes, very much,” minkyung answers but makes no move to do so. she’s exhausted her ability to take the initiative today. it’s on jaeeun, now, if she’ll do it.

when jaeeun shifts to face minkyung better on the couch, minkyung wants to take it back. she wants to change her mind and not do it, because it feels monumental and she is so sure she’s going to do something wrong.

jaeeun’s hand comes up and feels the curve of minkyung’s jaw, moves slightly so that she’s holding her face steady. her other hand lands on minkyung’s thigh and it isn’t high up but minkyung’s stomach jolts and her breath comes out in pieces.

they stood close earlier and this is closer still. she only has jaeeun to learn from so minkyung mirrors her, letting her right hand cradle jaeeun’s cheek, and she doesn’t plan on moving it but once she touches she doesn’t want to stop. her thumb brushes over the thinnest skin below jaeeun’s eye.

“i’m going to kiss you now,” jaeeun says. minkyung doesn’t nod in response because jaeeun is leaning in and touching her mouth to minkyung’s, and everything in the world collapses down until all that’s left is jaeeun’s hands and lips and her hair tickling minkyung’s neck when she tilts her head and kisses a second time.

 

**Author's Note:**

> lesbianctzens this was for You. i really hope you enjoyed reading!! :+]
> 
> (hey lesbians please follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/miyayuchi))


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